Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
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When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Nobody pays attention like the person behind the first car at a red light.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
If you call me from a private number, I will respect your privacy and not answer.