Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

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Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news

Leonardo: what’s the good news

Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers

Raphael: what’s the bad news

Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole


When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?


Nobody pays attention like the person behind the first car at a red light.


BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light


At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.


Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.


I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.


Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean


Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet


If you call me from a private number, I will respect your privacy and not answer.