@OrdinaryAlso

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

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@fro_vo

Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news

Leonardo: what’s the good news

Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers

Raphael: what’s the bad news

Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole

@jellybnbonanza

When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?

@TheMichaelRock

Nobody pays attention like the person behind the first car at a red light.

@fro_vo

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

@Tmoney68

At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

@ChaseMit

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

@TheTweetOfGod

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

@nettie0918

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

@vvunisalevu

If you call me from a private number, I will respect your privacy and not answer.