Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
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I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.