Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
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5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.