Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
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i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.