When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
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[alternate universe where jesus christ’s name was jeffy spaghetti]
ME: *hears some horrible news* jeffy spaghetti
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Well, Norah on FB has decided to continue her thankfulness through December and I have decided to key her car after dinner
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
If she calls me lazy again, I swear I’ll get off this couch and go take a nap in bed.
It’s funny how red, white and blue represents freedom until its flashing behind you to pull over
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob