@spaceboyriley

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

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@Juicedballs

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

@notacroc

[alternate universe where jesus christ’s name was jeffy spaghetti]

ME: *hears some horrible news* jeffy spaghetti

@AuthorGaylord

Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.

Mine:

“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.

@_Jkriegs

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

@renchanted

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

@Pirate_nurse

Well, Norah on FB has decided to continue her thankfulness through December and I have decided to key her car after dinner

@mommajessiec

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

@ericsshadow

If she calls me lazy again, I swear I’ll get off this couch and go take a nap in bed.

@kiebi

It’s funny how red, white and blue represents freedom until its flashing behind you to pull over

@PaperWash

[stranded on Mars journal]

day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days

day 2: I ate rob