detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
You Might Also Like
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
hi why am I like this