@TweetPotato314

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

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@SardonicTart

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

@EndhooS

Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.

@stephenjmolloy

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

@SortaBad

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

@jonnysun

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

@MommaUnfiltered

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

@Reverend_Scott

ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.

BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-

[wall breaks down]

SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY

BATMAN: No.

@ChicksRule

Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!

@BeTheCookie

What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”