Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
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Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”