@TweetPotato314

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

You Might Also Like

@KylePlantEmoji

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

@distracted_monk

[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.

@Kyle_Lippert

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

@velvettusk

My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.

@sarcasticmommy4

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

@GingerHotDish

Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.

16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.

@BuckyIsotope

SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*

@LostCatDog

Waiter: Hi! Our special today is macaroni or cheese!
Me: Wait – did you say ‘or’ cheese?
Waiter: *lifts shirt, reveals gun* Look, I’m a cop