detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

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Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.


Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.


Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.


“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”


a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion


I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.


ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.

BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-

[wall breaks down]




Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!


What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”