detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
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*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
craving $300 all of a sudden
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.