detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
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Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.