detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
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a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Help Wanted
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.