Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
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I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me