DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
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Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE