Detective: someone’s been stealing boats, can we look in your basement?

Me: I don’t have a basement

*sound of foghorn from basement*

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me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit


Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.


Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-


two year old comes up to me asking if I’ve seen a dummy, unaware that she’s just set herself up for the most brutal slam of her little life.


“You thinkin what I’m thinkin?”
“That we should dance our way out of this street fight?”
“Wait what?”
“No time! Break on 8! And a 5 6 7 8.”


[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes


Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.


[dentist hands me a bag with a tootbrush and floss inside it]

uhmmmmm okay? now I feel weird I didn’t get you anything


Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”


dumbledore: we need u to hand deliver the letter to harry

hagrid: why don’t u just make one magically appear into his hands

dumbledore: do i look like a wizard