me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Detective: someone’s been stealing boats, can we look in your basement?
Me: I don’t have a basement
*sound of foghorn from basement*
You Might Also Like
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
two year old comes up to me asking if I’ve seen a dummy, unaware that she’s just set herself up for the most brutal slam of her little life.
“You thinkin what I’m thinkin?”
“That we should dance our way out of this street fight?”
“No time! Break on 8! And a 5 6 7 8.”
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
[dentist hands me a bag with a tootbrush and floss inside it]
uhmmmmm okay? now I feel weird I didn’t get you anything
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
dumbledore: we need u to hand deliver the letter to harry
hagrid: why don’t u just make one magically appear into his hands
dumbledore: do i look like a wizard