@thenatewolf

Detective: someone’s been stealing boats, can we look in your basement?

Me: I don’t have a basement

*sound of foghorn from basement*

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@suecorvette

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

@primawesome

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

@notacroc

Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA

@JamColley

two year old comes up to me asking if I’ve seen a dummy, unaware that she’s just set herself up for the most brutal slam of her little life.

@ibid78

“You thinkin what I’m thinkin?”
“That we should dance our way out of this street fight?”
“Wait what?”
“No time! Break on 8! And a 5 6 7 8.”

@AtticusFinch79

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

@Contwixt

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

@maybetomhanks

[dentist hands me a bag with a tootbrush and floss inside it]

uhmmmmm okay? now I feel weird I didn’t get you anything

@GulfCoastJake

Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”

@randypaint

dumbledore: we need u to hand deliver the letter to harry

hagrid: why don’t u just make one magically appear into his hands

dumbledore: do i look like a wizard