*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
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Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
LA today:
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.