DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
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Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper