Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.

Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.

You Might Also Like


Man dies after body rejects sleeveless Metallica shirt because he didn’t have a barbed wire tattoo.


My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions


On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”


Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.


Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.

Friend: You’re writing a book?

Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.


I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.


How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…

Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”


Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was funny?

Anyway, I need bail money.


If I had a twin that was like 5 mins younger than me I would always say ‘when I was your age’ and proceed to tell them what I did 5 mins ago