God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
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Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*