Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
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He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth