detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
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“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh