detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
You Might Also Like
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves