If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
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Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Facebook game requests are the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the Internet
Not all heroes wear capes…
Smartphones don’t prevent people from feeling alive and getting in touch with nature.
I just walked into a tree.
Hey. Do these camo pants make me look fatigued?
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups