@KalvinMacleod

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

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@Contwixt

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

@joshgondelman

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.

@McNevich

Facebook game requests are the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the Internet

@baycontaco

Smartphones don’t prevent people from feeling alive and getting in touch with nature.

I just walked into a tree.

@E_lok44

Hey. Do these camo pants make me look fatigued?

@curlycomedy

Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.

@LoveNLunchmeat

She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups