DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

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4: mom was i in your tummy?

me: yep!

4: who is in there now?

me: no one

4: then why is it so big?

husband: oh no


me, minding my own business as a vegan:

someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe


A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…


Look, all I’m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.


*watching husband sleep*

Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”

*husband snores*

Me: “I can’t live like this.”


Pot has never been proven harmful to humans, but the way it makes those huge holes in the street has to give you pause.


Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.


me: what’s a palindrome

teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

me: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where’s the palindrome

getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]


Wife: wow, we must have had a lot of trick or treaters come by!

Me: wha?

Her: Because all the candy is gone

Me: Ooooh right. So many.