Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
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i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
My dad is at it again
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Does this dress make me look cat?
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy