Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
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Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Basically.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.