JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
You Might Also Like
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”