DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
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Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*