[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
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I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”