@murrman5

[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”

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@Jason_Horton

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

@Mom_Overboard

millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND

@gabbazaba

i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself

@hunz74

“Are you smarter than a 5th grader?”

Me: “Sometimes?”

“Are you smarter than a 16 year old?”

Me: “Always.”

@yoyoha

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!

@brunopieroni

No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?

@TheToddWilliams

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

@PoshTick

wife: would you like a glass of water?

me: a glass of what?

wife: water

me: try again. a glass of what?

wife: *sighing* fine… would you like a glass of clear earth soup?

@lukekarmali

This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter