DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
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In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming