devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
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After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.