Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
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7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Some people were born into their job.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
sleeping beauty
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Me in tagged photos
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.