@denicmarko

Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

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@Piecezilla

Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.

@TheBoydP

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

@Mr_Kapowski

Guarantees in life

1. Death

2. A waitress will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill

@DirtyySouthMess

I always thought I was attracted to men but this chick eating a Snickers on the elliptical has me questioning things.

@Writepop

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

@TheThomason

Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…

@nice_mustard

endless breadsticks. bottomless fries. yawning abyss of onion rings. HOWLING DESOLATE CHASM OF POTATO SKINS

@PetrickSara

Parents think that they’re signing their kid up for a sport. But in reality, they’re signing themselves up for extra laundry.

@Home_Halfway

*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY