Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
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The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Guarantees in life
2. A waitress will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
I always thought I was attracted to men but this chick eating a Snickers on the elliptical has me questioning things.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
endless breadsticks. bottomless fries. yawning abyss of onion rings. HOWLING DESOLATE CHASM OF POTATO SKINS
Parents think that they’re signing their kid up for a sport. But in reality, they’re signing themselves up for extra laundry.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY