[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
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why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
#gardening
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!