@TheNYAMProject

Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.

M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN

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@adrianmyreality

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

@CodyJP9412

Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.

@TwiCarlyGleeber

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

@shadygeekdad

Guys, when a woman is mad just tell her she’s overreacting. She’ll realize you’re right and calm right down.

@freedom2726

No. YOU misunderstood. I said I’ve been doing this for awhile. I never said I was any good at it.

@ClamDive

Rock, paper, scissors?

-The proctologist removing items from me

@KalvinMacleod

ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*