Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.


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Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.


Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.


Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one


Guys, when a woman is mad just tell her she’s overreacting. She’ll realize you’re right and calm right down.


No. YOU misunderstood. I said I’ve been doing this for awhile. I never said I was any good at it.


Rock, paper, scissors?

-The proctologist removing items from me


ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*