Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
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Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Guys, when a woman is mad just tell her she’s overreacting. She’ll realize you’re right and calm right down.
No. YOU misunderstood. I said I’ve been doing this for awhile. I never said I was any good at it.
Rock, paper, scissors?
-The proctologist removing items from me
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*