Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
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Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I’M CRYINGGG
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”