DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
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*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.