Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
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What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.