[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
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I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble