Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
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nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.