dexters lab creator: ok so he’s a boy genius

executive: ok

creator: who hates his sister

executive: is that it?

creator: [sweating] and uh… has a made up accent for no reason that no one else in his family has

executive: SOLD

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The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.


Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.


yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose


I once had an epileptic fit during my turn at a game of charades.

Everyone just kept yelling, “HOW MANY WORDS?” and “IS IT THE EXORCIST?”.


Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali


one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”


The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.


The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.


Her: I LOVE your beard!

Me: Thanks, yours is coming in nicely, too!

Flirting with women my age is hard, guys.


[god creating snakes]

how about a sock that’s angry all the time