@captainkalvis

dexters lab creator: ok so he’s a boy genius

executive: ok

creator: who hates his sister

executive: is that it?

creator: [sweating] and uh… has a made up accent for no reason that no one else in his family has

executive: SOLD

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@LOsepyan

If those Amazon drones can really get to your house in 30 minutes then condoms are about to become their #1 selling item.

@sah_nursemom

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

@AnkCoupleTO

Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect

@Ant_F3ltz

Why are the boxes of Apple products made better than their cords?…

@HandyJack420

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?

HER: i mean what else would it be

@Bob_Heller

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

@WilliamAder

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.