@captainkalvis

dexters lab creator: ok so he’s a boy genius

executive: ok

creator: who hates his sister

executive: is that it?

creator: [sweating] and uh… has a made up accent for no reason that no one else in his family has

executive: SOLD

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@sixfootcandy

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

@ShaunNaNaD

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

@treydayway

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

@DopeyTweeter

Fight Club: Teaches you how imaginary friends can become more popular than you are.

@toastymoe

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

@_sleepysmile

Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.

@ArfMeasures

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

@ninjadinosaur1

There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.