Cheer up you won’t be single forever. One day you’ll die
dexters lab creator: ok so he’s a boy genius
creator: who hates his sister
executive: is that it?
creator: [sweating] and uh… has a made up accent for no reason that no one else in his family has
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If those Amazon drones can really get to your house in 30 minutes then condoms are about to become their #1 selling item.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Why are the boxes of Apple products made better than their cords?…
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.