My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
dexters lab creator: ok so he’s a boy genius
creator: who hates his sister
executive: is that it?
creator: [sweating] and uh… has a made up accent for no reason that no one else in his family has
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I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Fight Club: Teaches you how imaginary friends can become more popular than you are.
Welcome to your 40s – you now think every car has its brights on.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.