20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
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“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
u spoke cat all this time??????
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
My purse is deeper than some people.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!