Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
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If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
True statement👍😏😁
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.