Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
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Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
#ProTip
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]