Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

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If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you


It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.


I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut


interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?


ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream


Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.

Uber Driver: Same, Girl.


[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?


Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”


WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
ME: Say his name.
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks


I’m good at making friends.

Wait, that’s not right.

Correction: I’m good at making friends up.