If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
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It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
ME: Say his name.
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I’m good at making friends.
Wait, that’s not right.
Correction: I’m good at making friends up.