Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
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Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
my fav colour is also hitler
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Before & after 😅
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah