I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
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As a kid, I refused to sing “rain rain go away” because I thought God would punish us with an apocalyptic drought,so no, I’m not easy-going.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I’m sure you’re cool but you make me nervous. Like a seafood restaurant in a landlocked state.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music