@Rollmaninoz

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

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@shanethevein

Women have all the answers to all your questions.nnnAnd you don’t even have to ask.

@BobTheSuit

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

@psybermonkey

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

@awordforaword

“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”

@domesticH

wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!

@lukeoneil47

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,

@birbigs

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

@kingofcreame

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs