DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

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COWORKER: big weekend plans?

ME: fulfilling the blood prophecy…you?

CW: what?

M: what?

CW: did you say-

M: neighborhood barbecue, yes


HELLO automatic flushing toilet!! I appreciate the enthusiasm but I really wasn’t finished


Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you


To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”


Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”


I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.


Her: Prove that you care about me

Me: *Takes my phone off the charger and plugs in hers


She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.


in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle