@TitaniumToplass

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

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@AndyAsAdjective

COWORKER: big weekend plans?

ME: fulfilling the blood prophecy…you?

CW: what?

M: what?

CW: did you say-

M: neighborhood barbecue, yes

@megfraser

HELLO automatic flushing toilet!! I appreciate the enthusiasm but I really wasn’t finished

@GrantTanaka

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

@WilliamAder

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

@3sunzzz

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

@PyrBliss

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Her: Prove that you care about me

Me: *Takes my phone off the charger and plugs in hers

@CruisinSoozan

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

@Rlpihl

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle