@TitaniumToplass

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

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@BradBroaddus

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

@1KelliBelle

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

@khook32

One of these days you’ll see the real me.

Probably next week. I’m almost out of concealer.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”

@jake_likes_naps

[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy

@WorkingMom86

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

@thepaulahunt

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.

@cbdoubleu

*raises the bar

16 yrs later]

Bar: even though you weren’t my real father I always wanted to call you, dad. Dad.

*me trying not to cry

@david8hughes

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.