Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Nothing keeps you humble quite like Saran Wrap.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
THERAPIST: You need to focus on what’s important to you
ME: TWO scoops of ice cream please
I can’t make you love me but I can tie you up and feed you until you’re too fat to be loved by anyone else.