@ItsAndyRyan

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

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@noogscorner

Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.

@AtticusFinch79

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

@fro_vo

Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct

@GingerHotDish

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

@rudepundit

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

@chuuew

THERAPIST: You need to focus on what’s important to you

[later]

ME: TWO scoops of ice cream please

@st00pidfast

I can’t make you love me but I can tie you up and feed you until you’re too fat to be loved by anyone else.