Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.