Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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Autocorrect completely socks
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset