@BellPupper

DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*

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@DanMentos

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

@CelebrityChez

Day one of my juice cleanse: I feel incredible!
Day two: I have carjacked an ice cream truck and fought the manager of Bed Bath & Beyond.

@junejuly12

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

@newcastlecourt

Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

@david8hughes

Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?

@SuperRandomish

“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”

@continentlbkfst

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

@MissHavisham

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.