My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
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Day one of my juice cleanse: I feel incredible!
Day two: I have carjacked an ice cream truck and fought the manager of Bed Bath & Beyond.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.