DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
You Might Also Like
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.