@TheAndrewNadeau

{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.

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@Retacof

I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.

@thatUPSdude

The show Hoarders is like a snooze button for cleaning your house, “My place isn’t that bad, I can go another week”

@ChaseMit

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

@Contwixt

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

@Wine_Honey1

These people act like they’ve never seen anyone collect change from the bottom of a fountain & stuff it in their bra to buy more liquor.

@MableGertrude

I wonder how many people come visit our country and then immediately leave after trying a slice of American cheese.

@UnFitz

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

@cwhudson

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

@clichedout

just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now

@roxiqt

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.