{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
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Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.