{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.

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I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.


The show Hoarders is like a snooze button for cleaning your house, “My place isn’t that bad, I can go another week”


If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator


Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.


These people act like they’ve never seen anyone collect change from the bottom of a fountain & stuff it in their bra to buy more liquor.


I wonder how many people come visit our country and then immediately leave after trying a slice of American cheese.


“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect


*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*


just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now


In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.