Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
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*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
this… may be the greatest story ever told
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.