@batkaren
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
@SatansTongue
The Catholic Church is selling bath bombs!
*puts Jesus Christ limited edition bath bomb into water*
*water turns into wine*
Thank u Jesus
@panmidwest
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
@Jake_Vig
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
@TweetPotato314
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
@bonita_bish
A customer called and right away started yelling at the top of her lungs about something… I let her finish then happily told her she got the wrong number.
@Kyle_Lippert
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
@TheNardvark
Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.
@AnOrangeSNES
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
@ICagbanusi
7 out of 3 people are bad at fractions.
@AngelaEhh