@AngelaEhh

Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.

0/10. Do not recommend.

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@batkaren

“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.

“Excited to be here!” I tell him.

The host eyes me. “Are you?”

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.

@SatansTongue

The Catholic Church is selling bath bombs!
*puts Jesus Christ limited edition bath bomb into water*
*water turns into wine*
Thank u Jesus

@panmidwest

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?

@Jake_Vig

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

@TweetPotato314

date: what do u do

me: well u know big bird

date: omg. u play him

me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him

@bonita_bish

A customer called and right away started yelling at the top of her lungs about something… I let her finish then happily told her she got the wrong number.

@Kyle_Lippert

A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth

@TheNardvark

Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.

@AnOrangeSNES

Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words