@JohnLyonTweets: Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

@Mr_Kapowski: 90% of women that wear yoga pants probably don't do yoga. 100% of straight men don't care.

@fillthevacuum: Oh, those stick figures on your car aren't for the bike riders you hit? *removes 14 stick figures from car*

@stephenjmolloy: [Murderer breaks into my house] Murderer: "Alexa, play sinister music."

@fuzzlime: Omg like wtf -me, praying