@AngelaEhh

Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.

0/10. Do not recommend.

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@PettyClegg

my boss turned herself into a potato on our Microsoft teams meeting and can’t figure out how to turn the setting off, so she was just stuck like this the entire meeting

@impaulmccoy

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.

@SteveKoehler22

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

@mrtruthandsoul

Menage a trois?! I haven’t even successfully split a Kit-Kat three-ways

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’m not allowed to watch Hoarders anymore because people say “let it go” too often and then I can’t stop singing it, an autobiography.

@slimmy_shady

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

@3sunzzz

[trust fall exercise at work]

CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!

M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.

@tsm560

I don’t know if this day is tantamount to the worst day of my life because I don’t know what tantamount means.

@better_off_dad

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

@TheMichaelRock

If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you’ll be dead soon.