“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
The Catholic Church is selling bath bombs!
*puts Jesus Christ limited edition bath bomb into water*
*water turns into wine*
Thank u Jesus
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
A customer called and right away started yelling at the top of her lungs about something… I let her finish then happily told her she got the wrong number.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
7 out of 3 people are bad at fractions.