Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.

0/10. Do not recommend.

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Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?


I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files


On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten


Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I’d say there’s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.


[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi


“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”


Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.


God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*


And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet



(I get an amber alert for a missing child) OK its my time to shine (I get in my car and back out without looking and instantly hit the kid)