*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
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I bet whenever a cow eats a lot of grass she says to her friends “I’ve been eating like a cow!” and they’d laugh and moo or whatever cows do
My phone always asks if I “trust this computer” like it knows something I don’t.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
19: Okay mom, don’t freak out but…