Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
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8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense