@Kyle1092

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

- @Kyle1092

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@MooseAllain

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

@thistallawkgirl

I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”

@Jake_Vig

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

@LLBadge

My GPS just did a shoulder shrug and said, “uhm, take a left here?” This can’t be good.

@Just_Lee_

If she says “well you’re too busy to chat so have a good day”

..what she means is she hopes it’s a good day for your hair to catch on fire.

@RbenzHF

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

@Marlebean

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

@Dmvm1977

Whenever I’m feeling low, I grab a pen.. and I write something joyful and happy to lift my spirits.

Today I’m writing my bosses obituary.