Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
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Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Spell check is for lasers.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
My beach vacation Google searches
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay