[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
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I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.