Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
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Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
seems like a niche market
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.